A Second Look

On my wardrobe, there is a picture I’ve stuck. It’s an anonymous quote and I don’t know who came up with it but it says, “Dreams don’t work if you don’t.”

I’ve been meaning to do book reviews on this blog for a while now. I’ve also been meaning to start writing a novel. I’ve been planning a life of victory and success. Well, I’ve been imagining it quite a bit.

And, it occurred to me that I haven’t been able to do much to actually see all these dreams of mine materialise. But it’s not even because I don’t work but somehow, when I sit to write or study or do anything productive, I am overcome with fatigue and exhaustion and actual pain. It’s not that my life is in total chaos now. On a superficial level, I’m doing well. My grades in school are fine. I do my homework. I go to work. I teach Sunday school and I do put up stuff on my blogs every once in a while. Basically I’m an okay person.

You might now be thinking I’m contradicting what I just said about my inability to  do anything productive. But, I’m okay only on the outside because I have found that on the inside, I am not doing great. In fact, I feel empty and degenerated. I feel tired and demotivated. Behind the mask that I show the world, I am broken.

It’s hard for me to be vulnerable and open about the emptiness that I feel. I am usually the person who consoles other people and doesn’t share too much of myself or at least my real self. But the reason I’m writing this post and sharing it to the world is because I need to face myself and change.

I talked to a friend of mine about the loneliness and emptiness in my soul and she told me to concentrate on the positive things in life. And I really tried it. But how I could I possibly be feeling only good vibes? Could I really just ignore the “negativity” in my life? I’ve begun to think that maybe sweeping things under a big old rug isn’t exactly going to make me feel better in the long run. I don’t want to be haunted by the things I choose to ignore now.

So I told myself and my friend that I can’t try to live my life in denial. I can’t simply throw away my negative feelings and be positive. I realize that I need to be okay with not being okay. It’s okay to struggle. In the end, I just to take a second look at myself so that I can fix the things I need to fix. Because after all, I am desperately trying to get to a place where I am okay again.

I am beginning to see that my dreams aren’t working and my mind isn’t working because I have begun to live a life of indiscipline. Some things may seem small to other people but I realize that they are issues for me. I am a deeply spiritual person who knows that I am nothing without God, without faith. But I had been ignoring that for a while now. Not spending time to meditate and just feed my soul, to be intimate with Jesus has brought so much chaos in my life. I am suddenly feeling so alone and helpless. I begin to do things by own strength but I realize that without faith, I end up frustrated and failing. I cannot fix things myself. I need the grace of the almighty.

Somehow by not taking time out for my spirit to grow, I began to go back to other things that I had previously stayed away from. A couple of months ago, I uninstalled all my social media apps from my phone except for instagram which is strictly a mobile app. I did that because I believed that they were taking too much out of me and that I decided that if I really wanted to go on facebook or twitter or anything else, I could just go on my computer. I did not need them to be available at the tip of my fingers. Creating this boundary for myself helped me to limit my time on just social media which wasn’t really doing me much good anyway. I became more productive in other areas of my life and I also began to save a lot of my energy for other more important things in my life.

It’s amazing how much energy and time these apps take from us. We always think it’s nothing much but I realized that after I limited my use of social media, I was able to focus more and I had enough time and interest to take up reading actual books again. I had always been an avid reader but I did not realize that social media had taken away from my desire to read. It may sound like I was making a really great change in my life but the sad part was that as I stopped being consistent in my spirituality, I also began reinstalling all my social media apps.

I also began to watch more and more youtube videos that I began to stop thinking about everything except youtube. I am not saying youtube videos are bad. In fact, most of them are really great and fun. But too much of anything can really cause your life to go haywire. And I am beginning to realize that this could very well be or turn into an addiction.

My sleeping habits were also altered as I began sleeping much later than I would want to. Somehow now, I find that cannot fall asleep before 1 or 2 am though I have to get up early the next day. But as I am sleeping less, I am also becoming physically weaker and more exhausted. I almost went back to a time when I actually depended on painkillers and caffeine to keep me alert and awake. I do not want to be that person again. I want to be the victorious person I was just a couple months ago.

I know that I can and I want to start this journey towards a better life today. People think I’m doing great. I know I’m not doing okay. But God knows what can heal my soul. I’m beginning to walk on a path to victory. And one day not far from today, I will wake up full of life.

If you’ve ever felt like this or ever feel the way I feel, I encourage you to strive to live a disciplined life. Create boundaries for yourself and stick to them. But most importantly, stay close to Jesus, the author and finisher of your faith. Know that you can do anything and everything through Christ who strengthens you. Take time out. Feed your soul. And live the life you were meant to live. I believe that I can do it and so will you.

Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Photo credit: martinak15 / Foter / CC BY

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